maybe you need to fall.

brute & bromie 03 | illustrations processing change: confronting our need for control in the face of uncertainty, and permission to let go of the uncontrollable.

“when we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - viktor frankl

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·𖥸· hey! i’m ryv. ghost kid & plant enthusiast.

welcome to the BRUTE & BROMIE series. they are two characters i illustrate to explore what change actually feels like, through confrontation & permission.

🩸 BRUTE acknowledges how brutal it can feel, or potential extremes of destructive patterns that hold you back. (so you can choose differently).

🌱 BROMIE is a tender reminder. permission for self-compassion, to be gentle with yourself through a period of drastic change. (it’s hard enough as it is.)

each drawing is an open space: something drawn from my own experience, that you might find flecks of yourself in, too. they are also tied thematically to my reflective essays.

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𖡎 ᝰ . . . this batch is drawn from my essay, “the only thing that makes me scream.”

it’s about attempts to control the uncontrollable, temporary fear, & the permanence of choice. in the lens of what the title says: facing the only thing that makes me scream.

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🩸 brute

my relationship to control reaches peaks of suffocation. yet i am both the puppeteer & the marionette. i expressed the same dynamic here with brute, where they stare & hold a puppet version of themselves on a stage, hoping that they are ‘performing correctly’. to the extent of the empty, constrained husk you see in front of you. leashed, tangled, but more concerned with appearances: eyes wide open. their own.

i grew up in a high-pressure environment, where my actions were constantly monitored. i was expected to know the ins & outs of what life threw at me before i understood any of it. know it all. have 12 contingency plans.

eventually, i started speaking to myself the same way.

when the world tells us to be ourselves, they don’t mean you. show us the you that makes things better for us. the you who’s calm and resilient and takes a beating. amicable, cooperative, diplomatic. you.

so for a time, all i thought about was palatability. how should i be presenting myself? i never let my feelings flow naturally. that steadiness was breaking me instead. it was to the point of not knowing how i really felt because i was so concerned with how it looked.

even when i’d reached a point of self-awareness to start healing, when honesty was all that mattered.

the obsessive hyper control bled not only to my actions, but into the belief that everything could be controlled: if only i worked, planned, and anticipated hard enough. maybe then, things wouldn’t be so uncertain. as if i could, by sheer willpower, let life to adjust in my favor.

but i had to keep playing the game first. stay in line, stay strategic. right?

🌱 bromie

i grew up in a religious household, but didn’t end up religious myself. my upbringing leaned more on the extreme side. rules were rigid, unquestionable. falling short was defiance. failure of character.

this to say, i do not think religion is a bad thing. i’ve seen faith carry people through some of the most difficult of circumstances.

but i’ve never been one to so easily believe. to just trust as soon as i’ve done my part. it felt careless, as if letting my guard down would let everything crumble. as if never relenting was immune to any cracks of its own.

we don’t run on endless fuel. to put everything in your hands is to self-efface. no human can control every aspect of life, no matter how fastidious their efforts. and so, this piece with bromie was a meditation in permission.

life will always be chaotic & unpredictable.

but… if you’ve done everything you could, showed up every day?

there is just so much this flesh vessel can carry.

maybe i need some trust that things will unfold in their own time. i can’t work myself to the ground and be promised that what i really want to happen will actually happen. but i don’t take the risks that i do to eviscerate myself - then there wouldn’t even be a me for the future to hold.

to surrender what you cannot control is also to put your energy on what you can. ourselves, our mindsets. the things we hold dear. when we let go… the world doesn’t end. you can breathe.

and living feels a little less insurmountable.

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in your own time, i invite you to sit with the questions of these drawings a little longer. making brute & bromie allows me to give a language and sit with feelings i’d rather run away from, but i finish each illustration with the intent that they can be returned to.

for the days you want to hold everything together but can barely breathe. for the days you yearn for a lighter load but allowing yourself that kindness feels like betrayal rather than release.

that’s what they’re here for.

if you’ve had your own experiences with needing control & letting go, please feel free to share below. i make these drawings to carve a space where these conversations can be had.

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👻 i’m ryv, an artist looking to build a full-time creative life.

i want to build work that lasts. stories that explore what perturbs and what that reveals. i want to give language for the things we don’t want to talk about.

brute & bromie is the beginning. in the lifestyle shift i have taken in the past months, it allows me to face parts of myself i’d rather bury. and if i sit with these long enough, perhaps they can incite a window for lasting change.

and i hope they can do the same for you.

if this resonated, you may like these:

to letting things unfold in their own time,

p.s. hey again, plant lovers. 🌱 some notes on the ones i chose:

• 🩸 brute -

  • the plant on the strings of the puppet handle are bindweeds. they’re an invasive weed which coil around other plants and crops, and i thought they’d be a good representation for what it feels to be constantly monitoring yourself.

• 🌱 bromie -

  • for surrender, i chose the parijatha flower. they bloom at night, but drop by dawn. others interpreted this as them giving up themselves to the earth, in a way. their petals are scattered all around as bromie falls into the void of the uncertain - this isn’t an end.